Football Is Gay. The Super Bowl Is Super Gay.

OK, let me just make this perfectly clear. I'm pretty libertarian about most things and I have absolutely no problem with two (or more) consenting adults engaging in any sort of sexual activity they care to. Nor do I look askance at anyone, male or female, who engages in consensual homosexual activity (one time or a thousand times), alternates between heterosexual and homosexual activity, can't decide, decides they want both, or whatever. So, when I use the phrase "gay" in this post, I am not using that term as a pejorative. (For previous and subsequent posts I make no such guarantee.)

But let me just as clear on this point as well: Football is nothing but a mass manifestation of latent male homosexual urges. Don't believe me? Here's Time Magazine from 1978: Is football some kind of mass men's room solicitation of the national psyche? Not at all, says [U.C.-Berkley Prof. Alan] Dundes. It is merely a sanctioned form of theater where players and fans can safely discharge their homoerotic impulses. Coaches who ask players to refrain from sex before a game intuitively understand that football is a temporary substitute for heterosexuality, just as "football widows" understand that their husbands are "dead to them sexually" while football is on TV. "Football is a healthy outlet for male-to-male affections," says Dundes, "just as spin the bottle and post office are healthy outlets for adolescent heterosexual needs."

Male bonding? Emotions running high? Hearts racing? Building and building excitement capped by a moment of exhiliration? Mmmmhmm.

(Props to Last Kiss Comics for the illustration.)